


Burned Memories

by YourKinglyQueen



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Break Up, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourKinglyQueen/pseuds/YourKinglyQueen
Relationships: Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6
Collections: Port Artemis





	Burned Memories

Ryder smelled him before he saw him. At first, it was nothing more than a twitch of his nose while he sat at the cafe down the street, responding to emails when the scent grew stronger and his head shot up on reflex at the sound of a chiming doorbell. It was a large group of people, laughing and smiling as they got in line to order- the barista shooting one of them a look at a rather loud, distasteful comment, but he couldn't do anything more than focus in on the brown fur standing left off-center of the group. Couldn't stop staring at the industrial piercing splitting the tip of his right ear that hadn't changed in years or the way his voice carried through the room and demanded attention. Ryder tapped at the coffee cup nervously, ducking his head down further before he could let himself get lost in his own head, dragged down into a depth he fought so hard to get out of. He willed himself to think of things that made him happy, things to look forward to- s'what his therapist had told him to do when he started coming out of this.

But, it was far too late for him to bounce back here. 

Isaac's smell was unwantedly familiar in his nose, seeming to curl around Ryder and gripping at his mind. 

Anxiety already had its hold on him the moment he allowed himself to entertain the scent and his body straightened with familiar tingling. Memories poured out from a dam kept so supported by outright repression and desire to just forget that it even happened at all yet not a single bit of that wall held when Isaac turned around and looked at him. It flooded Ryder with immeasurable amounts of pain and regret when he saw a large hand wave and a smile that was so unlike the man in line he used to know better than anyone back when he lived a life he refused to navigate back to. It's been almost 4 years. Four measly years since they had such a nasty fallout that inevitably ended up in an even nastier split. Between a man who didn't want to lose something and another man who just wanted out. 

Ryder was sixteen when he met Isaac in Zoology class. They got along well as class partners, talking frivolously about genetic mutations found amongst subspecies or some bullshit like that, something he was far too fogged up to be accurate over. He remembers though- god does he fucking remember when he fell in love with Isaac...no, fallen in love with the image and idea of Isaac. Ryder spent so much time suffering in teenage angst, coming to terms with his sexuality and whatnot, muffling his voice into a pillow as he spilled over his hand with the vivid imagery of the panther over top of him whispering dirty words into his ear. What followed were a series of events he truly couldn't recall for the life of him other than some shitty dialogue about how Isaac was straight at the root, however, he was curious about sleeping with other men. Nowhere near a sexual revelation by any means, but, Ryder took advantage of that for his own selfish purposes, to maybe have something he never could before with someone who didn't consider him in his line of sight. 

That was his first mistake; sleeping with a straight man, sleeping with someone overrun by hormones. 

Looking back at it now he should have seen the signs, and he told his therapist this, despite her outright bluntness in that he absolutely should have. But all the same, there was no reason to blame himself because this was what impressionable teens did. Ryder grew up in a loving environment and for that, he was so thankful, taught so well by his mother to never let someone get the one-up on him because he was so deserving of being loved. Ryder didn't listen and let his heart speak for him anyway, ended up in Isaacs bed after he double... _triple_ checked that his parents wouldn't be home and got the pounding of his fucking life he could say.

One. He counted from ten to one, as he raised his hand to wave back, inhaling sharply to retain a semblance of dignity, an image that he was put together. 

Following after that was a plethora of sex re-runs, Isaac after some time of them sleeping together finally, _finally_ asking Ryder out. And Ryder, god he could just hear himself- sixteen-year-old Ryder who just found out he was into men as well who was so desperately in love with the man he so desperately wanted to love him back, had said yes. It was a yes that pushed him to slam himself onto his bed and squeal out happy noises, gripping at the edge of his bed and kicking his legs like a rom-com girl who finally got the man. And one could say he did. 

He had the man he fantasized about.

Maybe it was because he lacked common sense then too but honestly, emotions of that caliber shoved logic outside and he spent a good portion of the first three months in their relationship exploring...coupley things, only to be told they couldn't do this or that in public because Isaac was not out to his family and friends yet. It was a brief excitement to be kept a dirty little secret, sparked arousal in his stomach every time Ryder saw Isaac talk to someone knowing full well it was _him_ who left Isaacs chest heaving post-orgasm. It was _Ryder_ ass had Isaac's cock buried balls deep inside him and pulsing inside him every time they could. 

Sex with Isaac was wild... _they_ were wild and sporadic and free. Young, bold and so fucking dumb there was nothing either of them could do to outrun the eventual ending that left one of them burned to a smolder.

Ryder's claws scratched at the ceramic mug, tail flicking wildly underneath the table and molars grinding against each other in frustration, frustration with himself, and this current situation. Isaac was sitting there so fucking happy, laughing, and pulling jokes on his friends but yet here Ryder was sitting in his cafe working to getting everything he wanted, yet it still felt like he was healing from it. He never spoke of it much to his friends, not even to Holly or Fee, except for one night where his mind had him by the throat after too much alcohol and he broke down. Holly had offered to talk about it with him the next day, Fee offered an ear but when Ryder did not reply to either, Holly simply patted his head and let him sulk in it while Fee gave him a touch on the shoulder.

His breathing was uneven, even if the boiling state of panic, starting to steam and wiggle its way to the surface, he could manage to keep track of it and eyed the bathroom in an attempt of casualness. Anxiety burrowed in his stomach like a weed, blooming almost instantly when Isaac once again made eye contact with him. _Why couldn't he stop staring?_. There was a sparkle of familiarity in those brown eyes, the way they narrowed at him almost suspiciously but, they were different. This was different. Isaac was different. 

And Ryder knew damn fucking well he's changed too. 

Isaac became his world, his earth, and the moon. As cheesy as it sounds, there wasn't a day he didn't think of his boyfriend then, lost in thought during class about a day they could hold hands whenever Isaac came out to his parents. About the day they could be like a normal couple and have that awkward meet-the-parents scenario Ryder read about in those cute little fanfictions or Hallmark movies. Unbeknownst to him at the time, that was the exact opposite of what Isaac was thinking...that much was painfully clear but blatantly ignored even when Ryder caught Isaac staring at a girl with something akin to hunger in his eyes. Blamed it all on the drugs that Isaac coerced him into taking under the guise of feigned innocence. 

But things were okay. 

There was a period of time where Ryder was doubting their relationship, a year strong and yet Isaac had told no one about him. It was less about being a dirty little secret now and more so about Ryder growing enough sense to start questioning these things. Ryder was proud of himself back then, for pulling Isaac once side while they were watching a movie cuddling as one would, but with a lack of intimacy that he wasn't aware of until them but suspected was always there when he became aware of it. When he vocalized his concerns during Isaac's favorite part of the movie, albeit being so overwhelmingly boring, Isaac paused the movie. 

_'I love you. You're just overthinking things...it really isn't that serious babe.'_

So Ryder thought for weeks, for months, even though their fights and arguments that he was overthinking at the end of it. That Isaac was right and it was his own insecurities Ryder managed to develop that was hindering him in the relationship and for so long there was also that contradicting thought. It worsened when drugs got involved, when Isaac got involved with the overly popular kids and was dragged down by peer pressure, and fell into addiction. It worsened for him so much more the night when things escalated beyond his control, Isaac was hyped up on cocaine and somehow ended up putting his hands on him.

Ryder blacked out then, the sheer shock from the force of it sending him to the floor and woke up gasping, crying, palm hovering over his cheek while Isaac looked down at him with such an unfamiliar, distant stare. He so strongly remembers the turn of shock on Isaac’s face and the profuse apologizing that followed after. The panging in his chest….he thought, as he tapped his cup a little more rhythmically, was what pushed him to investigate thoroughly. It pushed him to pay more attention to things around him, to flinch a little every time he saw Isaac raise his hand. Any form of hard-drug was instantly pushed aside, though countless times he was manipulated into doing it somehow. For some reason, he just couldn’t leave.

What resulted was grabbing at the motivation that led to finding things out that he clearly never should have, going through Isaac’s phone after he passed out on the floor, drunk and high off his fucking mind. And for three years, before therapy and before talking it out with Felix and Holly, he wished he never did look through that phone. Wished so desperately he could forget the face of the woman that ruined him. Months after the punch that was thrown, he had pressed Isaac to lay bare his truths, verbal clashing that left Ryder on the far side of the room and concealing the full-body flinch.

I never loved you. The sex was good, fantastic and we were so fucking convenient but I just can’t see a future with you, Ryder. 

A loud timer ding reeled him back into reality, a sharp exhale he didn’t even realize he was keeping in but the sudden blur of his vision and the anvil settling in his chest had him racing to the bathroom. His fingers fumbled with the lock, shaking profusely as he pleaded for solace and privacy. 

Help.

He needed _help_. 

He couldn’t fucking see much of his phone he just- he needed someone to fucking help. Ryder shot a text to whoever was most recent, had the mind enough to ping his location and that was all he could manage before running into a stall.

Ryder hugged himself, hiding in the stall and sinking to the floor while counting backward and then forward, visualizing something- anything that could pull his mind back but it was so hard to fucking breathe. It was so hard to just stop...when a ghost from years ago continued to haunt him even now. Isaac was nothing to him, fucking nothing. But the sharp pinprick of his claws digging into his sides while he held himself meant nothing more than a simple reminder that this life would not treat him fairly. He opened his phone, scrolled, and guessed however well he could while a sob split its way from his mouth and texted ‘pls help’.

For him, anxiety was debilitating. It shut everything down and usually, he prided himself in this too, he could notice it before anything happened. But, Isaac was unprecedented in every aspect of life. Artemis was a massive city, people came and went all the fucking time so why? Things were going so well, with his friends, with Soda, with his career- and all it took to knock something he worked so hard for down, was a sliver of a ghost from a time he needed to forget. His claws dug into his arms, pinching at his skin while he inhaled sharply once, exhaled just as quick...hyperventilating on the floor like he was straight from a hallmark movie but he just _couldn’t_. 

Ryder’s vision blurred on the edges, his ten-second interval slipping as the floodgates opened and he so briefly is aware of loud noise. A very abrupt ‘Get the fuck out of the way’ and the bathroom door slamming open. So briefly is aware of a very gentle touch to his face and the familiar smell of Fee, his voice crowding his ears with a quiet scolding. Ryder’s jaw was twitching, teeth grinding down but when Fee hugged him, told him it would be alright, his throat tensed up and a sob wracked through him. His hands were still digging into his skin but something in his mind was begging him to lean into that touch again. 

He didn’t.

But he welcomed the hug nonetheless. Slept briefly and awake to a gentle knocking on the door, heavier footsteps this time, and Fee mumbled out a quick hey. Blood was rushing through his ears, his eyes, his everything- every part of his body was buzzing alive with the aftershock of an anxiety attack that ran too strong. But his nose, his nose caught on to the thick scent of Soda Pop, who peeked his head around the stall door with nothing short of a concerned look on his face. 

“Hey, baby...we’re gonna go home now, okay?” 

“You’re here...why’re you here?” Ryder breathed out, banging his head against.

Ryder was almost fearful, flinching when Soda raised his hands because all he could see or think about was Isaac raising his own. Soda caught on quick, lowered his hands with a pained expression and _fuck_ did that make his heart hurt. To see someone you fucking love ruin and shrivel out of fear, even though it has nothing to do with you...how embarrassing that must be for Ryder. Although, he was much too out of it to care. He threw whatever glare he could muster at Fee, expecting some sort of careless shrug, but all he got was the face of someone who cared.

“Ry…” Fee started, looking at the bathroom floor and then back up “I can’t give you the comfort you need right now. My house is too far away and Soda he just...I think you should stay with him. Talk it out. He’ll take care of you.” He was stern in his speech, that stubbornness that had Ryder on his toes when they were younger. Logically he knew he was right, and Ryder nodded, closing his eyes and wiping at the tears caught on his face as Soda lifted him up and carried him out of the bathroom. The cafe was empty, utterly empty, save for six men in black suits at different entry points...no Isaac either. For a moment Ryder wondered if Soda was let in on shit that happened, if maybe when he was walking in here he saw Isaac. 

It didn’t matter.

One minute he was out the door, escorted by those same six men and the next? Home. His home with Soda, tucked under a weighted blanket and his favorite pillow- Soda’s pillow. A cup of tea sat next to his nightstand. Ryder watched the steam from the amber liquid rise and swirl around the golden embroidering. Soda Pop was pressed against his back, one arm under the pillow and the other loose around his hips, giving him space if he needed to walk away, and once more did Ryder have to remind himself that being here meant he was safe. That this environment was so different than what he used to be in.

Isaac ruined him in more ways than he could fathom. Built a bridge of trauma that would last for a long portion of his life. 

When Soda asked him out to that cafe, he knew something would be different. Ryder knew Soda Pop was unlike anyone he’s met before. They met for business and Ryder ended up in his bed...many times over while holding his hand. They both learned to communicate to significant others through each other and Ryder, for the first time in his life, had a foreseeable future with the big cat. Unlike Isaac, Ryder remembered the black stripes that decorated his skin...the masculine odor that permeated from him after a workout, the kisses he gave afterward. 

Unlike Isaac, Soda never pushed him to do things he didn’t want nor did he do things without his permission...consent was something he was big on, and he would always answer Ryder’s questions about anything he wasn’t sure about, regardless if it was stupid or not. 

Unlike Isaac, Soda swore to never hurt him and never did so far, not a single hand raised. He was the perfect picture of calm, resilient, and smart.

Ryder listed reasons why in his head this was ok. Why he was safe here. 

Unlike Isaac, Soda prioritized him.

Ryder tensed up but Soda pulled him close, secured his grip, and mumbled a ‘Go to sleep, love...I’m here’ and he melted into it. 

Unlike Isaac, Soda…

_Unlike Isaac._

_Unlike…_

Ryder shot up from the bed, eyes alert and tears in his eyes. Soda was sitting at the edge of the bed, a steaming cup of tea in his laps with his legs crossed. There that open look of concern was. He was shirtless, grey loose-knit sweatpants loose at his waist and Ryder steeled himself at how...* _domestic_ they were. Ryder felt gross; snot dried under his nose from crying during the night and he just felt so exhausted, but, the way Soda was looking at him still like he hung the fucking moon and wanted to know why he was letting it fall, brought his attention up. “I’m not going to force you to talk about it, I hope you know that.”

They sat there for a long stretch of time, eventually, Ryder sat up and let his blanket sit heavy on his thighs. 

“I know.”

“But I think you should or have...you- have you seen someone? About this?” Soda’s deep voice was kind, slow-paced and it was just the way he expected him to handle this. 

“Yeah I uh, I go to a therapist every Tuesday.” Ryder paused again, rummaging through his thoughts. Guess this was going to be a conversation that was unavoidable. “How much did Fee tell you?”

Soda snorted a small smile on his face “Not much. Said it wasn’t his place to say anything but let me tell you, for someone so small, he has a lot of threats to go off of.”

Ryder nodded, Soda waited. Passed him the cup of tea and Ryder took it with a grunt of a thank you, staring at the cup and the golden fluid trapped inside while he held it like it was something precious. Anxiety crawled its way back up again, but Soda moved quickly, scooting forward and placing a hand over his oh so gently. He felt a large forehead press against his and a thumb wipe away tears he didn’t even know was slipping past his eyes. Soda was patient, kind, loving, everything synonymous for as long as he’s known him and this was genuinely him. Someone so closed off to the public but a different person behind closed doors and Ryder trusted them most. But there was no one Ryder trusted more, besides Holly and Fee than the Soda who he woke up with every morning. Ryder nodded to himself, nodded to Soda, setting the teacup on the nightstand and taking Sodas hand in both of his. “Ok...alright.”

“Take your time, love.”

Ryder sniffled, got himself as put together as he could so he could stare into Soda’s eyes. For a moment they just stared, Soda’s lips curved in that sweet smile of his, so blatant in letting Ryder know he had all the time in the world to explain. 

_One._

_Two_

Ryder swallowed, inhaled.

_Three_

He opened his mouth and spewed out the ashes of memories he so vigorously burned.


End file.
